Saturday 9/19 Humor

Yo mama so fat when she saw a yellow school bus she said, "Hey, stop that Twinkie!"
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it, so I said "Implants?"
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Yo mama so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it.
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A man and woman were lying in bed one night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits." The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them. The woman looked at him and asked, "Toilet paper, what will that do?" The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass!"
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Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
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Yo mama so fat, she got hit by a monster truck and said, "Who pushed me?"
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Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
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A bus full of ugly people dies and await their fates at the pearly gates. An angel stands guard with a clipboard and explains a mistake's been made and that it's not their time yet. As compensation, each individual receives a wish and will also be brought back to life. One by one, the ugly people tell the angel of the perils of being ugly and wish for good looks. Much to the chagrin of the angel, as the line grows shorter, a roaring laughter booms from the very back of the line. Finally, the man responsible gets his turn, now rolling on the floor in hysterics. With no one else in line, the man shouts in between breaths, "I wish they were all ugly again!"
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A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has. He says to the short man, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have." The short man replies, "I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes." The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. "OK, "He says, "I want to live in a mansion." The short man replies, "Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it." The man says, "Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend." "OK," the short man replies, "Tomorrow you will wake up next to her." The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues. "I want a penis as large as yours." "Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. "What's that, the man asks?" "I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says. The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. "OK, go right ahead." The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis as big as yours." The short man replies, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"
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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"
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A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
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A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt." Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down, up and down... and he asks, "But where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, I'm chewing bubble gum."
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A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt." Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down, up and down... and he asks, "But where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, I'm chewing bubble gum."
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 Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!'' Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!'' Man: ''Nothing is that freakin' funny!''
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There are five people on a plane that's crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, ''God bless me!'' Bill Gates jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my bank account!'' Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my team!'' Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and the New York Rangers!''
The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, ''God bless me and the people I land on!''
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Q: What did Bruce Jenner attribute to his survival of the deadly car crash?
A: His new silicone implants. 
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Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon."Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!" "What's the rush?" his mate asked."The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.
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A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked. She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her, "BIG NOSE!"
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Three girls walk into a bar; a brunette, a red head, and a green haired girl. The bar tender asks the brunette how she keeps her hair so brown. The brunette combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural it's natural." Then the bar tender asks the red head how she keeps her hair so red. She combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural, it's natural." Then he asks the green haired girl how she keeps her hair so green. She sneezes into her hands, combs her hands through her hair and says, "Its natural, its natural."
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Q: What is the difference between a calf's tail and a tie?
A: The calf's tail hides the entire a**hole.
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An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
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William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off. When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute. "I don't believe you," laughed Mildred. "I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217. "Now," he said to his wife, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us." Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said. William asked, "How much do you charge?" " $125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it." William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it." Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails. Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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"Hey, there's a dikfer on your forehead?" "A what?" "A dikfer." "What's a dikfer?" "Well, if you don't know I'm not gonna tell you."
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Q: What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?
A: A whopper with cheese.
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Q: What's the new documentary about Madonna going to be called?
A: Missionary Position Impossible.
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An elephant sees his owner naked and asks, "How you drink water with that?"