Saturday 6/13 Humor

________________________________________________________________________________
Yo' Mama is such a drunk, if it weren't for the olives in martinis, she would starve.
______________________________________________________________

The U.S. Government decided to gather data to better understand what people say right before they get into an
auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.'
____________________________________________________________
 
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
__________________________________________________________________

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk!"
_____________________________________________________________

" Alcohol kills slowly "
 So what?Who'in a hurry!!!!!!!!__________________________________________________

"Google will tell you that the number one sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I feel that the number one sign of alcoholism is having to Google 'number one sign of alcoholism.'
____________________________________________________________________

Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles. The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said. "Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else." "Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America." "Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?" "I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Light delivery truck."
__________________________________________________________________

    The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
    The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
    The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
    The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
    The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
    The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
    The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
    The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
    The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
    The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
    The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
    The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
_______________________________________________________________

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling, ''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''
___________________________________________________________

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down next to him. Joe tells the bartender, "I'll take a large beer." The bartender says, "Do you want dry beer with no aftertaste, or brewed beer with aftertaste?" Joe thinks about this for a minute. "Ah, give me the brewed." So the bartender gives it to him and he chugs it. "No, no," says Al, "Think manly! I'll have a dry beer." The bartender goes to fix it. "Why the dry?" Joe asks. "Well," says Al, "that way you can have one sip, and since it has no aftertaste, you can keep on drinking and forget you just had one!"
___________________________________________________________

"They call my husband 'The Exorcist." "Why?" "As soon as he gets to a party, he rids it of all the spirits."
__________________________________________________________________________

 DOS Beer -- Reuires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer -- At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer -- The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer -- Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer -- You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer -- Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer -- Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer -- The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer -- Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

____________________________________________________________


Level I: Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the guests gather by the piano to sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.

Level II: Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments.

Level III: Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Level IV: Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to get to Level III is egg-nog
_________________________________________________________________

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies  "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says  "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies  "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch.
______________________________________________________________

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband he thinks he's a refrigerator!" "I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass." "But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and he stores all of our beer."
___________________________________________________________

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort." "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her, right?" "Oh, No," said the drunk. "I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
_____________________________________________________________

How to be Insulting at Christmas: Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry
_________________________________________________________________

Q: How does a man plan for the future?
A: He buys Four cases of beer
_____________________________________________________________

You might be a redneck if you have a refrigerator just for beer
____________________________________________________________

A real woman is a man's best friend.  She will never stand him up and never let him down.  She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.  She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.  She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.  She will make sure he always feels as thought he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible....
No wait....SORRY.  I was thinking of whiskey.  It's whiskey that does all that shit.  Never mind...
____________________________________________________________

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out. I'll get it fixed right away." Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?" Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
___________________________________________________________

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
_______________________________________________________

A man walked into a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say, "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again, "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said, "Oh, it's the nuts -- they're complimentary.
____________________________________________________________

A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him. He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar. After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's doing. And the guy replies  "I'm hunting you idiot ... can't you see that!" "OK, OK .."  says the barman, "Would you like a drink while you hunt ?".Immediately the hunter says, " Do you have any cheap Gin!?". Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies, "No I'm sorry I'm all out of the cheap stuff,  is there anything else you'd like ? "."No" says the hunter and he starts to leave. As he reaches the door the barman calls after him, "By the way pal... exactly what do you hunt?" " I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot! Couldn't you tell that .  I'm a BarGIN Hunter!"
_____________________________________________________________


   1. While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light.
   2. You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathalyzer.
   3,Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
   4,  You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
   5. Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
   6, After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
   7. This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
   8. He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree.
   9. Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just get going!"
____________________________________________________________

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
_______________________________________________________

Q: What's an Irish seven course dinner?
A: A six-pack and a potato
________________________________________________________

At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat. By then, the cold is probably cured
_______________________________________________________

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and pay you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy ."Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
__________________________________________________________


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." - Frank Sinatra

"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober." - William Butler Yeats

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." - Ernest Hemingway

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

"Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. - Anonymous

"No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink." - G.K. Chesterton

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." - Catherine Zandonella

"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. " - Anonymous

"Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls." -  Ross Levy

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - - W.C. Fields

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" - W.C. Fields

"Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder." - Anonymous

"If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs." David Daye

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." - Oscar Wilde

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life." - Michelle Mastrolacasa

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy." - Tom Waits

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" - Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven." - Brian O'Rourke

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." - Frank Zappa

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." - Winston Churchill

"He was a wise man who invented beer." - Plato

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." - Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." - Humphrey Bogart

"Why is Australian beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." - David Moulton

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." - Kaiser Wilhelm

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." - Homer Simpson

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." - George Jean Nathan

"I drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." - Homer Simpson
______________________________________________________

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. "So what's going on here?" he asks. The biker replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!" The biker replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"
_________________________________________________________________________