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Saturday 6/6 Humor
Valley of the Sun Casual Club :: ENTERTAINMENT , SPORTS & NEWS & SOCIAL MEDIA :: DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "
Page 1 of 1
Saturday 6/6 Humor
by JimQ916 Sat 06 Jun 2015, 8:30 am
Saturday (6/6) Jokes a relief from the rigers of the week
_______________________________________________________________
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked
.Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
_________________________________________________________________
Q: How do you play the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
A: Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
A: A beer-a-cuda!
______________________________________________________________
Not to get technical...but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution
______________________________________________________________
Q: What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
A: How tequila mockingbird !
_____________________________________________________________
A gorilla walks into a crowded bar, and being a huge gorilla, he has no trouble getting attention from the bartender and ordering. "I'll have a Martini, please," he says. The bartender figures the ape probably doesn't know much about drink prices, and he says, "That'll be $17.50." To make small talk while making change, the bartender says, "Hey, you know, we don't get many gorillas coming in here ordering Martinis." The gorilla says, "At $17.50, I'm not surprised.
___________________________________________________________________
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship. "Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot winked at his mate. "Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your your turn to buy"
________________________________________________________________
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption due to the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
_________________________________________________________________
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!
________________________________________________________________
"If the bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?"
__________________________________________________________________
"Did ya hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
_____________________________________________________________
Patient: Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me! I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Patient: Not really - I spill most of it!
___________________________________________________________________
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome. Both could result in death!
________________________________________________________________
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the minister acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "Appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
_________________________________________________________________
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. "So what's going on here?" he asks. The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!" The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"
_____________________________________________________________
"Did ya hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
____________________________________________________________
Patient: Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me! I just can't stop my hands from shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Patient: Not really - I spill most of it!
________________________________________________________________
Q: How do you know when you've been drinking too much?
A: The bartender knows your name but this is the first time you've been to that bar.
______________________________________________________________
They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also think a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
_________________________________________________________________
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome. Both could result in death.
__________________________________________________________________
I'm on a whiskey diet. I have lost three days already.
_______________________________________________________________
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the breweries decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said, "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please." The bartender gave him the drink. Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser." The bartender proceeds with the order. The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever." The bartender gives him an Amstel. Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please." The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway. All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?" He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."
_________________________________________________________________
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there one afternoon, his cousin walked by. "What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon. "Fishin'," said MacAndrews. "Caught anything?" "Ach, nae a bite," "What are ye usin' fer bait?" "Worms" "Let me see it," said O'Bannon. MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out. "Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon. "No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"
_______________________________________________________________
A solution to all of your drinking troubles:
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked
.Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
_________________________________________________________________
Q: How do you play the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
A: Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.
____________________________________________________________________
Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
A: A beer-a-cuda!
______________________________________________________________
Not to get technical...but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution
______________________________________________________________
Q: What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
A: How tequila mockingbird !
_____________________________________________________________
A gorilla walks into a crowded bar, and being a huge gorilla, he has no trouble getting attention from the bartender and ordering. "I'll have a Martini, please," he says. The bartender figures the ape probably doesn't know much about drink prices, and he says, "That'll be $17.50." To make small talk while making change, the bartender says, "Hey, you know, we don't get many gorillas coming in here ordering Martinis." The gorilla says, "At $17.50, I'm not surprised.
___________________________________________________________________
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship. "Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot winked at his mate. "Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your your turn to buy"
________________________________________________________________
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption due to the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
_________________________________________________________________
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!
________________________________________________________________
"If the bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?"
__________________________________________________________________
"Did ya hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
_____________________________________________________________
Patient: Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me! I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Patient: Not really - I spill most of it!
___________________________________________________________________
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome. Both could result in death!
________________________________________________________________
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the minister acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "Appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
_________________________________________________________________
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. "So what's going on here?" he asks. The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!" The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"
_____________________________________________________________
"Did ya hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
____________________________________________________________
Patient: Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me! I just can't stop my hands from shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Patient: Not really - I spill most of it!
________________________________________________________________
Q: How do you know when you've been drinking too much?
A: The bartender knows your name but this is the first time you've been to that bar.
______________________________________________________________
They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also think a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
_________________________________________________________________
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome. Both could result in death.
__________________________________________________________________
I'm on a whiskey diet. I have lost three days already.
_______________________________________________________________
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the breweries decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said, "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please." The bartender gave him the drink. Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser." The bartender proceeds with the order. The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever." The bartender gives him an Amstel. Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please." The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway. All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?" He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."
_________________________________________________________________
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there one afternoon, his cousin walked by. "What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon. "Fishin'," said MacAndrews. "Caught anything?" "Ach, nae a bite," "What are ye usin' fer bait?" "Worms" "Let me see it," said O'Bannon. MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out. "Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon. "No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"
_______________________________________________________________
A solution to all of your drinking troubles:
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic
_______________________________________________________________
JimQ916- Posts : 379
Join date : 2014-12-31
Similar topics» Saturday 6/13 Humor
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Valley of the Sun Casual Club :: ENTERTAINMENT , SPORTS & NEWS & SOCIAL MEDIA :: DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "
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