Saturday 7/4 Humor

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate. The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?" "Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?" The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?" The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead." The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello." The rancher's eyes pop wide open. The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?" "Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake." The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well then, what's the harm?" "Go right ahead," says the rancher. The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello." The rancher's jaw drops. The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?" "Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather." The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?" The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen...them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"
_____________________________________________________________

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate. The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?" "Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?" The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?" The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead." The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello." The rancher's eyes pop wide open. The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?" "Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake." The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well then, what's the harm?" "Go right ahead," says the rancher. The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello." The rancher's jaw drops. The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?" "Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather." The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?" The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen...them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"
_____________________________________________________________

Q: What's dangerous and swings from trees?
A: A monkey with a chainsaw.
____________________________________________________________
Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to betill and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe. "Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
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One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting and needed a gun. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkeeper.

"I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with" Fred said.

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer."

Taking the gun and jumping into his Jeep, the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his prey, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey, he took aim and BOOM!! When the smoke cleared, to his surprise, the bear had disappeared. Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.

"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am," growls the Bear. Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM! the bear screws him up the ass with his big bear dick.

All pissed off and sore, Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin' bear is going to that to me."

Fred goes goes back to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, then goes back to the park. Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear.

Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I promise!" screams Fred.

"I thought I told you not to come back here again," growls the bear, "Now pull down your pants."

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again. Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin' bear's head clean off"

When he gets back to the sporting goods store, he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."

The shopkeeper hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Looking around, he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

_________________________________________________________

You might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?
________________________________________________________
A hunter in North Dakota was looking for a new hunting dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
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Q: You're riding a horse at full speed. A giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you, and a lion behind you! What do you do?

A: You get off the carousel!

_______________________________________________________

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man."That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

__________________________________________________________



A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

________________________________________________________

This big lawyer from the city was watching Duck Dynasty on A&E and decided that duck hunting might be just the thing he needed to relieve his stress.  He drove out to the country and spotted a bunch of ducks in a pond.  He quickly stopped his car, got out his shotgun and managed to shoot one of the ducks.  A farmer ran out of a nearby building upon hearing the shot and screams at the lawyer, "Hey you can't shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The lawyer says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!" The farmer suggests they settle it 'country style' (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over). The farmer goes first and slams the lawyer with a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the lawyer damn near collapses from the pain. The lawyer managed to regain his balance and stuttered, "Its my turn." The farmer looked at him with a smirk and said "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!"

______________________________________________________

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim. The guide grabbed his arm and said, "Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!" The man figured that was only a superstition of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!" Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off. Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."

______________________________________________________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

_______________________________________________________

There were three little pigs. The first pig went to a bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The second pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The third pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, and was just going to leave when the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom.  The third little pig replied, “No, I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home.”

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Q: What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?

A: A Mechanic.

_____________________________________________________

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it. The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. He shrugged it off, and continued on his way. As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him. He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this. He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths. The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds". The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."

_______________________________________________________


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

________________________________________________________



Q: What's dangerous and swings from trees?
A: A monkey with a chainsaw.
____________________________________________________________

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to betill and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe. "Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
____________________________________________________________




One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting and needed a gun. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkeeper.

"I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with" Fred said.

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer."

Taking the gun and jumping into his Jeep, the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his prey, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey, he took aim and BOOM!! When the smoke cleared, to his surprise, the bear had disappeared. Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.

"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am," growls the Bear. Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM! the bear screws him up the ass with his big bear dick.

All pissed off and sore, Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin' bear is going to that to me."

Fred goes goes back to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, then goes back to the park. Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear.

Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I promise!" screams Fred.

"I thought I told you not to come back here again," growls the bear, "Now pull down your pants."

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again. Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin' bear's head clean off"

When he gets back to the sporting goods store, he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."

The shopkeeper hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Looking around, he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

_________________________________________________________

You might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?
________________________________________________________
A hunter in North Dakota was looking for a new hunting dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
_______________________________________________________

Q: You're riding a horse at full speed. A giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you, and a lion behind you! What do you do?

A: You get off the carousel!

_______________________________________________________

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man."That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

__________________________________________________________



A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

________________________________________________________

This big lawyer from the city was watching Duck Dynasty on A&E and decided that duck hunting might be just the thing he needed to relieve his stress.  He drove out to the country and spotted a bunch of ducks in a pond.  He quickly stopped his car, got out his shotgun and managed to shoot one of the ducks.  A farmer ran out of a nearby building upon hearing the shot and screams at the lawyer, "Hey you can't shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The lawyer says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!" The farmer suggests they settle it 'country style' (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over). The farmer goes first and slams the lawyer with a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the lawyer damn near collapses from the pain. The lawyer managed to regain his balance and stuttered, "Its my turn." The farmer looked at him with a smirk and said "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!"

______________________________________________________

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim. The guide grabbed his arm and said, "Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!" The man figured that was only a superstition of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!" Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off. Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."

______________________________________________________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

_______________________________________________________

There were three little pigs. The first pig went to a bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The second pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The third pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, and was just going to leave when the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom.  The third little pig replied, “No, I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home.”

________________________________________________________

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it. The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. He shrugged it off, and continued on his way. As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him. He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this. He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths. The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds". The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."

_______________________________________________________


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

________________________________________________________

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate. The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?" "Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?" The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?" The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead." The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello." The rancher's eyes pop wide open. The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?" "Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake." The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well then, what's the harm?" "Go right ahead," says the rancher. The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello." The rancher's jaw drops. The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?" "Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather." The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?" The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen...them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"

_____________________________________________________________



Q: What's dangerous and swings from trees?

A: A monkey with a chainsaw.

____________________________________________________________

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to betill and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe. "Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

____________________________________________________________





One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting and needed a gun. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkeeper.

"I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with" Fred said.

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer."

Taking the gun and jumping into his Jeep, the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his prey, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey, he took aim and BOOM!! When the smoke cleared, to his surprise, the bear had disappeared. Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.

"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am," growls the Bear. Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM! the bear screws him up the ass with his big bear dick.

All pissed off and sore, Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin' bear is going to that to me."

Fred goes goes back to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, then goes back to the park. Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear.

Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I promise!" screams Fred.

"I thought I told you not to come back here again," growls the bear, "Now pull down your pants."

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again. Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin' bear's head clean off"

When he gets back to the sporting goods store, he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."

The shopkeeper hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Looking around, he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

_________________________________________________________

You might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

________________________________________________________

Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?

________________________________________________________

A hunter in North Dakota was looking for a new hunting dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

_______________________________________________________

Q: You're riding a horse at full speed. A giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you, and a lion behind you! What do you do?

A: You get off the carousel!

_______________________________________________________

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man."That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

__________________________________________________________



A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

________________________________________________________

This big lawyer from the city was watching Duck Dynasty on A&E and decided that duck hunting might be just the thing he needed to relieve his stress.  He drove out to the country and spotted a bunch of ducks in a pond.  He quickly stopped his car, got out his shotgun and managed to shoot one of the ducks.  A farmer ran out of a nearby building upon hearing the shot and screams at the lawyer, "Hey you can't shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The lawyer says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!" The farmer suggests they settle it 'country style' (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over). The farmer goes first and slams the lawyer with a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the lawyer damn near collapses from the pain. The lawyer managed to regain his balance and stuttered, "Its my turn." The farmer looked at him with a smirk and said "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!"

______________________________________________________

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim. The guide grabbed his arm and said, "Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!" The man figured that was only a superstition of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!" Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off. Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."

______________________________________________________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

_______________________________________________________

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.  The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage.  The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."  The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses!"

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