Saturday 4/11 Golf Jokes

Sorry guys if I posted some of these jokes before......short term memory here but these are good
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A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt. "Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I was with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me." The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you." The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband. "Honey, I too have something to confess." The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything." "Before we met, I had an operation. I used to be a man." The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!" The husband, red faced, turns to her and says, "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheater!!"
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A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high. "Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people." "Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news." "Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."
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A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two hours late." "Hey! Give me a break," whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."
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A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
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My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?" I said, "It’s all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said "Of course, what is it?" "Pick up the pace a little - I'm in the group behind you." 
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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars, a building that caught fire and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned dond a building. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb." 
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A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
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Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
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In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
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The latest change to the official rules of golf: The golf term "bad lie" is now to be referred to as "an Obama".
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Two Men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. "You know," said the first friend, "I can always tell who the golfers are in church." "How's that?" asked his friend. "It's easy," he said. "Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip."
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Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

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Beautiful female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping sexy, good looking older men, who are great golfers.
I'm not sending this to you as a personal warning, you are not in any danger.
I just e-mailed you to say goodbye.
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A man with an average handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads to the starters' area where he is paired with a woman. ''Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible.'' As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me tonight?" She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the man looks up to the woman before his putt. "If I hole this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?" She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again. "Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I hole this put right here?" She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole. She looks to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to screw me silly all night." The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a back-swing and.... "Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."
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1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.~ Sam Snead
   
2. I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.~ George Brett
   
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.~ Jim Murray
   
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle
   
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.~ Kevin Costner
   
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
   
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
   
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.~ Brian Weis
   
9. Swing hard in case you hit it.~ Dan Marino
   
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.~ Lord Robertson
    
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.~ Jack Benny
    
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.~ Ben Hogan
    
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.~ Jack Nicklaus
    
14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.~ H G Wells
    
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.~ Billy Graham
    
16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.~ Bob Hope
    
17. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman
    
18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.~ Jack Lemmon
    
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.~ Lee Trevino
    
20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.~ Lee Trevino
    

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