Saturday 8/26 Jokes

Hi everyone...I had some down time this morning and got some jokes to post here. As always, if you're thin skinned and easily offended, please don't read these. Please don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger!!!!!


A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.


"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak you have," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

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Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?

A: They're all pigs.

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Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?"

Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?"

Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

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One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor there was showing them brains from real people and telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. One of the women said, ''Well, why is that, sir?'' The doctor answered, "The men's brains cost more because they've never been used."

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Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?

A: No matter how hard they try, a man can't whistle through his pecker.

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Q: Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: They won't stop to ask for directions.

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How can you tell if a man is lying?

His lips are moving.

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A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire."

The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."

So the crocodile bit his legs off.

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A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.

"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house."

She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

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Have you ever read that married men live longer than single men?

What they don't tell you is that married men are much more willing to die.

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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, a man will screw anything.

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Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn!

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Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he's coming or going.

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A man walks up to a stranger in the street.
"Do you like pussy cats?" said the stranger.
"Yeah, I do," said the man. "But how did you know my name was 'Katz?''

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Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first.

He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline.

The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"

Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting 2 gallons of milk."

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How is a soyburger like a dildo?

They''re both substitutes for meat.

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A very horny guy is stranded on an island with a monkey. After a while, he decides to have sex with the monkey, but the monkey continually slips out of his grip and runs away.

One day, a very attractive, nude girl is drowning in the ocean and the guy saves her.

She says, "I'll do anything to repay you."

The man says, "Great....can you help me catch that damn monkey?"

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What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?

They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

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Q: What is worse than waking up the morning after an orgy with pubic hair in your teeth?

A: Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.

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A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother-in-law."

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A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

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A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: ''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?''

His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not.''

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Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."