Saturday 8/1 Jokes

Your mama is so ugly, she scares blind kids away.
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Your mama is so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
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An old lady's husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live anymore. She called the doctor and asked exactly where her heart was. He told her it should be under her left breast. That night she went to the emergency room with a gun shot in the knee.



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Your mama is so fat, she wore a red sweater and everyone thought she was the Kool-Aid man.
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The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss, since I control what the person thinks."

The hands said, "I should be boss because I do almost everything for the person."

The legs declared, "I should be boss since I carry the body and all the weight is on me."

So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.Then the Asshole spoke up, "I think I should be boss, because.."

He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him.

"You, an asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!"

The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not take it anymore.

"Ok, ok, you're the boss!" They gave in. So the asshole became the boss of the body.

The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, you just need to be an asshole.

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Your mama is so ugly when she took you to the zoo, the owner thanked you for bringing her back!

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This 55- year- old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?" She says, "Your name never came up!"

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Your mama is so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!

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A woman wants a facelift and her surgeon tells her about a new procedure. "We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob." "That sounds good," she says. Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes. "I'm sorry," replies the surgeon, "but those aren't bags -- those are your tits." "Oh," says the woman, "well that explains the goatee."

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A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you!" The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!"

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My friend Julie announced that she had started a New Years diet to lose some pounds she had put on over the holidays. "Good!" I exclaimed. "I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first."

"Great!" she replied. "I’ll ride with you."

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Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio. ""Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees. "When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

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Once upon a time there was three sisters that went to duck heaven. St. Patrick welcomed them and said, "We are happy to have you here in Duck Heaven, but I warn you if you step on a duck in Duck Heaven you will be chained to the ugliest man on Earth!" So, the three girls were really careful where they stepped. After a week the first girl stepped on a duck... so, she was chained to the ugliest man on Earth! After a month the second sister stepped on a duck... so, she was chained to the second ugliest man on the Earth! After a year in Duck Heaven the third sister never ever stepped on a duck so St. Patrick said, "You have been very good here in Duck Heaven so we have a treat for you!" So, she was chained to the most handsome and perfect man on the Earth! "What did I do to deserve you?" she asked the man. "Well I don't know about you lady," replied the man. "But I stepped on a duck!!!"

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An elderly couple were driving across the country.  The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.  

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"  The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"  The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"  The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"  The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"  The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."  The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"  And the old man yells, "He said he dated you! once"

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 A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?".  "I'm sure I can.", the psychiatrist replied,  "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

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A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!" The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"

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A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that Nancy Pelosi sued Wellington hospital saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.  A hospital spokesman replied, "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery.  All we did was to correct his eyesight."

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Several members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to describe your daily routine." Each member spoke, and shared their good and bad habits. Then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately and I exercise frequently." "Hmm…" said the director. "And are you sure you have nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively also."

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Studies show that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy

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I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years.

Q: What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond?

A: My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewelry, shoes, and purses to match.

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Q: What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A: Women.

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A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks. "No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly."

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There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing. He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son!"

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A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "Hey, Dad, look how fat that lady is!" "Shhhh, quiet, Son, she'll hear you." "But, Dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhh, don't say that, Son, it's not nice!" "But, Dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that, Son, it's not nice and it's rude!" Suddenly the fat lady's cell phone began beeping. "Look out, Dad, she's backing up!"

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Your mama is so ugly, her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.

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A wife saw her husband weight himself on the scale trying to suck in his stomach. The wife thought he was trying to reduce his weight on the scale, so she said, "You know, I don't think that will help you." The husband replies, "Of course it helps. It's the only way I can see the number on the scale!"

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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump!? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?

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Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

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Q: Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

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THAT'S IT FOR TODAY...HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.....JIM