SATURDAY 5/14 JOKES

Hi all...here are a few jokes to brighten up your Saturday...some are good but some are also lame (but all are funny)....enjoy

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman.  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."  The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."  The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife!" The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."  Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except  Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?" "He turned blue and s**t on the carpet."
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One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap. A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!"
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3 nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection.



The first nurse sees it, and says "I'm gagging for it", gets atop the man and has her way with it.



The second nurse says "Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste", and she does the same.



They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses reply "he's dead anyway, he'll no bother". The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.



Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses ask him "We thought you were dead!?!", and the man replies, "After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead either!".

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Q: Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?



A: You get repossessed!

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A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

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A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

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An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

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A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor. "Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?"

"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

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A redneck brings his daughter to the gynecologist for birth control pills. The doctor asks, "Is your daughter sexually active?" The redneck says, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother."

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Q: What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?



A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12!

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There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.



The American said to the Irishman: "I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off." So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof. "There. Now you try," he said to the Irishman.



So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground. The New Zealander said to the American: "Jeez, Superman, you are a real jerk sometimes!"

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One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. He sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "big chief, no s**t". The doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow. The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no s**t". The doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief. The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again saying "big chief, no s**t". The doctor gets annoyed and so gives the warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief. The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor "Big s**t, no chief".

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Q: Why are redneck murder mysteries so hard to solve?



A: Because all the DNA samples match each other and there aren't any dental records.

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In one Intensive Care Unit patients always died in the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had their camera phones set to video the event. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened , then housekeeping came in, disconnected the power cord from life support and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

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The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI!

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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel.



His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."



The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."



Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.  



She says, "I want the house."   Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.



She says, "I want the kids too."  The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.



She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."



The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"



The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."



She asks, "What's that?"



The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph... "I've got the airbag!"

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A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture. The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do math. He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives. They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree". The native repeats, "Tree". They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush". The native repeats the word, "Bush". They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple having sex. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does. The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?" And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act. The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people!  WHY did you kill those two people?!  I told you that they were riding a bicycle!" The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"

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Have a great weekend!!!!!