Marraige Jokes 3/18/17

Hi everyone...here are some jokes that will give you a chuckle. Like I always say when I post these, don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger...Jim
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If you're still using porno magazines, you're basically telling everyone that you have no idea what the Internet is.
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A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
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Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica?
A: He didn't need them any longer -- his damn wife knows everything.
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You ever have a day where you're forced to be around someone you just don't like? You start to realize that they don't like you either, and suddenly you say to yourself, 'Why did I marry this person?'
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She has a change of heart. She goes, 'OK, I'll have a three-way -- you, me and another girl -- but afterwards, you better seriously consider proposing to me.' So I said alright, sounded fair. So we had the three-way, and like a month later, she goes, 'Hey, aren't you gonna pop the question?' And I said, 'Hey, I gotta be honest with you. I'm not that comfortable marrying a lesbian.'
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I've been on the road a long time. I haven't really had the chance to see my girlfriend. She called me up; she wanted us to have phone sex. I'm not really into phone sex, but to make her happy, we had the phone sex. It was really nice -- until she got the receiver stuck in her butt.
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An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
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Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
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An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
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When two people meet they have that initial spark, that magic. That's called love at first sight. When only one person has it, that's called stalking. I know that now.
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I came up with what I thought was a good idea. I'm like, I'm gonna start jerking off in the shower. Genius, I figured, she'll never catch me in there. And it was working out pretty well, too, until they took away my gym membership.
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A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually. I'm not going to go into detail, but suffice it to say, I 'arrived early.' And my girlfriend said, 'Don't worry, that' happens to a lot of guys.' I said, 'There's two things the matter with that. Firstly, who are these "a lot of guys," and secondly, if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be your fault?'
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Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asks.

"On my bottom -- where else?!"
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The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable. So I stabbed him.
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Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.
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A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
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A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, I knew they would......now is the best time to plant the lettuce."