Jokes 3/17/18

A wife asks her husband:

- Honey, what are you doing?

- I'm reading our marriage certificate.

- What for?

- I'm looking for an expiration date.
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Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed......My name, phone number, living address, etc.
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An elderly man remembers the good old days: “When I was young, my mom would send me to a store with a single dollar and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras.
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Man: Lisa, why are you so angry with me?
Woman: Because I’m Connie!!!!
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Mark: Does my daughter Abby have a boyfriend?

Monica: Yes, a cute, strong and clever one.

Mark: What’s the name?

Monica: John, Michael and Bill.
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Unexpected sex – it's a great way to wake up as long as you're are not in a prison.
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One morning Tom calls to his boss:

Tom: Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt."

Boss: I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Tom calls again:

Tom: Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. Oh, by the way, you have a very nice house.
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One day during the family dinner the youngest son Paul asks his father:

Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and asks: Would you sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars?



Wife answers: Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity.

Daddy turns to his teenage daughter and asks: Maria would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?


Maria answers: Surely I would! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.

Daddy turns to his eldest son Mark and asks: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars!


Mark answers: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep with him.

Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and says to him: You see, Paul, we're potentially sitting with multi millionaires, but in reality we are sitting with two whores and a gay guy.

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A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him:

The Chief comes up the prisoner, explains this to him, then asks: What do you want for your first wish?

The Prisoner says: I want talk to my horse

The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. 

The Chief asks him once again: What do you want for your second wish?

The Prisoner says: I want to talk to my horse again.

Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later. 

The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks: So, what do you want for your last third wish?

The Prisoner replies: I want to talk to my horse again

He grabs the horse by the ears and yells into it: You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not ***!!!
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A man returns home and screams out loudly to his wife: Honey, pack your things, I won million dollars  today!

The wife asks: What kind of clothes should I take with me? Summer or Winter?


The husband answers: All of them and get the hell out of here!
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A son asks his father: Daddy, what's in between mommy's legs?

Dad answers: My paradise.


The son then asks: And what's between your legs daddy?

Dad answers: The key.


The son then says: You need to change the lock because Mr. Smith has a pass key.