Jokes 10/29

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
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On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."
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Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stA man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." ops after three hos.
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Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.
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Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it's Halloween.
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A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
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What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
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Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's."
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Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.
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Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants?
A: Because he heard the snow blower was coming.
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Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmastime? Because they were originally made for children but fathers want to play with them.
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A vampire walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, "A cup of boiling water, please." The bartender, confused and scared, walks up with the water and says, "I thought vampires drank blood..." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, it's tea time."
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
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Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"
Candidate: "Honesty."
Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Candidate: "I don't give a f*ck what you think."
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A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition." The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
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How to be Insulting at Christmas: Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.