Sunday Jokes 8/6/17

Hi everyone......here's a few jokes for today. Some are repeats, some are lame, some are dirty, but all bring a smile to my face. If you're thin skinned and easily offended, don't read these!!! As always, management takes no responsibility for anything.....enter at your own risk.....Jim


Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To smoke some marijuana

Jack got high

Pulled down his fly

And Jill said I don't wanna!

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Jane was sitting in anatomy class one day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?”

Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher replied, “Yes, very good Jimmy.”

The the teacher turned to Jane and said, “Jane I have three things to say to you: One -- you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!”

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Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”

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Q: What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal?

A: A head hunter!

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King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade. Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Gwenivere. The belt contained a miniture guillotine.
Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down. One by one, he went to each knight and shook his head, telling all those whose members were missing to get out of his sight.
That is until he came up to Lancelot. Seeing that Lancelot was intact, he exclaimed, ''Now I knew I could count on you to be trusted. Name anything at all and it is yours.''
Lancelot replied '' UNGH!UH! UNGH!'''

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Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!''

Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!''

Man: ''Nothing is that freakin' funny!!'''

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Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.

"Boy, I'd like to screw her," says one lawyer.

"I agree," says the other.

"But out of what?"

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Q: What did the Lawyer say to the ***?

A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in deep s**t!

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Q: What did the leper say the the prostitute?

A: Keep the tip.

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Q: What does a woman need to become a ***?

A: A liquor license.

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Q: Why don't little girls fart?

A: Because they don't have assholes until they're married.

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Q: What do you have when you hold two green balls in your hand?

A: Kermit's undivided attention.

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One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."

The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."

"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest."

Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Well tell him to get the f**k out and help me push!!!"

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Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."

This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.

He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"

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Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's just salty."

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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."

A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm playing cards."

"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.

His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

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A wife comes in and yells, "Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery."

Her husband yells back, "Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

His wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hell out."

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What's the difference between basketball and sex?

In basketball you dribble before you shoot!

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A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor comes into her room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child."

The woman worriedly asks, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different. It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both male and female features."

The woman looks relieved. "Oh, you mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

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Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.

This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.

The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.

The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again. She agreed. After they f**ked the second time, the son left.

He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.

When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing.

"That's nothing. I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."

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Q: Why do blondes need see through lunch boxes

A: So they can tell if they're coming home or going to work.