Saturday 10/3 humor

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator, "IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?
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Q: What is a country song played backwards?

A: Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
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Q: How do you make a bandstand?

A: Take away their chairs!
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Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A: A flat minor!
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of Obama!"
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The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts. Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating. After gazing at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be. The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'"
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Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.


A: She was known as the deep C diva.
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OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box?" The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer." So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano! Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats pretty cool, where did ya' get that?" The man says "I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a genie and a lamp." The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that genie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer." The man says "Oh, Okay!" The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp. The bar tender rubs the lamp and the genie pops out! The genie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?" The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!" And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist?"
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Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day.  "If you were a musician, who would you be?", asked Chuck Norris.


"I think I would be Mozart," said Jean Claud VanDam.


"I would be Beethoven," said Chuck Norris.


Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach!"
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A man faced with death will have his life spared if he can explain the song being visually represented by a flock of naked women.
The man is led to an empty concert hall where 8 naked women are being led in.
They were placed so that the first one was facing him, the second with her back to him, the third facing him, the fourth with her back to him, the fifth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him.

"Guess that song!" his oppressor demanded.

"Ah, that one's easy!," he exclaimed, triumphantly. "It's William Tell Overture... titty rump titty rump titty rump rump rump."
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian!"
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A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?"


"You're a drummer, aren't you?"


"Yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agency."
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Q: What's better than roses in your piano?

A: Tulips on your organ!
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A man with a broken hand says to doctor, "Will I be able to play guitar after the operation on my hand?" The doctor says, "Yes of course." "That's great! I never could before."
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Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
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Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony. However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk. Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out. One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.
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Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play something by Justin Bieber for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
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Q: What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?

A: Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...
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Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?

A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
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A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making extra money where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard. "That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?" "That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'" "Oh. You know anything else?" The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called. "It's called 'Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'" "Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs." So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him. "Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?" "Know it, pal?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"
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A lady walks into the local record store. "Do you have Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" she asks. "No, but I've got dangling balls and a 7-inch," says the smart-ass behind the counter. The lady thinks for a second. "Is that a record?" "I think so. I'm only 12."
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A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are. The salesman replies, "Try the other side." So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"
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Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite instrument?

A: The WhoreMonica!
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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."
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Q: Why was the guitarist arrested?


A: Because he broke a G-String fingering A minor.
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Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?

A: Which one's Mommy?
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Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky). "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."