Non-Golf Humor Sunday 4/19

                                                    Sunday 4/19

            ***Sorry if I posted some of these already....on set of Old Age***

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Q: What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?

A: ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!____________________________________________________________________AA man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

 The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm taking a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate.

 The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?' The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

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Canada's worst air disaster: Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
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The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine trouble. Everyone was doomed. The priest turned to the rabbi and said, "Before I die there's something that I would like to know. You being Jewish and all -- have you ever tasted ham?" "Well," the rabbi laughed, "Sure I've tasted ham. But tell me father, before we die -- could you tell me if you have ever made love to a woman?" The priest blushed and said, "There was this one time I gave in and made love to a woman." The rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Beats the hell out of ham, don't it?"
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Q: What do you call a gay guy on an airplane?

A: A fruit fly
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A man on a plane asked the stewardess if he could use the restroom. She told him the men's room was broken, so he had to use the women's room. Then she said, ''But don't push the W.W. button, or the P.B. button, and DO NOT push the A.T.R. button." But of course he had to push the W.W. button, which he discovered stood for warm water (sprayed on your butt). Then he pushed the P.B. button, which stood for powder your butt. And since those two things had been so pleasant, he pushed the A.T.R. button. He later woke up in a bright room and doctors were all around him. When he asked why he was there, they asked him if he hit the A.T.R. - automatic tampon remover - button. The guy said, "Yes... what happened?" The doctor said, "Your penis is on your pillow."
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He's such a dumb jock, that when he was driving to the airport, he saw a sign that read, "Airport Left," and he turned around and went home.
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Q: What does a girl and a plane have in common?

A: They both have cockpits.
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I'll never forget the time I had to use an oxygen mask for an Delta flight.
It was just after the agent told me how much the checked baggage fees were. 
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A British Airways flight was headed towards Jamaica when the pilot makes an announcement; "Ladies and Gentlemen, our planes seems to be overloaded and we seem to be losing altitude. We will be offloading some baggage to help us on our way"... Half an hour later the pilot makes another announcement; "Ladies and Gentlemen we are still overweight and we regret to inform you we will be offloading passengers, but to be fair we will be doing it in alphabetical order"


"Will all Africans come to the front? Now can the Blacks, Coons and Darkies follow them?"

At the back of the plane a black man and his kid are ducked down looking nervous, the son says to his dad, "Dad, aren't we all of those people?" To which the father replies in a whisper, "yes son, but today we are NIGGERS"       

                         ****Sorry if this offends anyone....it's all in fun****

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Q: What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

A: A receding airline.
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Air Plane Pilot: How do you fly so fast?

Astronut: You'll know when your ass is on fire.
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 398, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine now!
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If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you because... what are the odds of two guys being on the same plane at the same time with a bomb?_______________________________________________________________
There are five people on a plane that's crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot grabs one and jumps out and yells, ''God bless me!'' Bill Gates grabs one and jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my bank account!'' Michael Jordan Grabs one and jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my team!'' Wayne Gretzky grabs one and jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and the New York Rangers!''
The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, ''God bless me and the people I land on!'
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Michael Jackson, his lawyer, and a small, cute boy are on a plane when the plane suddenly develops engine troubles. "Bad news," the lawyer said. "There are only two parachutes. You and me will go." "What about the boy?" asks Michael. "Screw the boy!" Michael asks "Do we have time for that?"

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