THE WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL

by JimQ916 Sun 19 Apr 2015, 2:02 pm

Sunday 4/19

***Sorry if I posted a few of these before....lost track and memory is lacking***

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This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, "After you", and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker. "Goddammit!" he said. "Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us," said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well, Goddamn, hell, fuk, shyt!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fukin' tree."

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Golf in the Bedroom Rules of Play;

Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and two balls. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play at this time. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one week.

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Suggestions for guys golfing or using a public bathroom; Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. Form a loose grip. Keep your head down. Avoid a quick back-swing. Stay out of the water. Try not to hit anyone. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. Don't stand directly in front of others. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go. Don't take extra strokes.

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A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town. Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever. Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients. As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!" All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

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Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "Whats wrong?" Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!" "Oh my God", the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!". "Horrible? You think it`s horrible?" Bob cried in disbelief; "It was worse than that!!!! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...

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I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day. He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway. My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway. I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem. Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook. I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me. Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor. Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me. The Doc just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...and watched it duck hook two fairways away...

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A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

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Q: Why are Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinksy, and O.J. Simpson such bad golfers.

A: Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer and Bill doesn't know what hole to put it in.

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Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?

A: A foursome.

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When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball. When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

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Q: What's the difference between sex and golf?
A: In golf, a bad hole won't kill you!

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A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf like she's been demanding for years now."

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A man is about to tee off on a golf course when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns and finds a man standing behind him. The second man hands him a card , reading, “I am a deaf-mute. May I play through, please?” The first man angrily gives the card back, and shouts , “No . You can’t play through! Your handicap gives you no such right!” With this the first man whacks his ball on to the green and walks off to finish the hole. A few minutes later he’s just about to sink the putt when another ball hits him on the head knocking him out cold. When he comes around he finds the deaf-mute standing over him – holding up four fingers.

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I think that I shall never see, a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly, if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend, to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me, who cannot ever miss a tree.

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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner

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One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights. "I'm so sorry!" the man said. "Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes." "Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun.
"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, terrific. Every time I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone." "How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!" "Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!" "Hey, it's not bad for a priest!"

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Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Husband - "I'm so sorry, Honey, but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"

Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car and would have been here at noon on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course, I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room ... clothes are flying .... The talking stopped ... and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There, you wanted the truth ... you got it."

Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!?"

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