Superbowl Sunday Humor 2017

Hi everyone.....here's a few jokes for today.....enjoy.....Jim

An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground and yells, "TOUCHDOWN!"
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For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Shyt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Shyt." Well, thanks to my efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shyt is the only son of Awe Shyt, who married O Shyt, the owners of Knee Deep 'N Shyt, Inc. In turn, Jack Shyt married No Shyt. The couple had six children, Holy Shyt, Giva Shyt, Fulla Shyt, Bull Shyt, and the twins Deep Shyt and Dip Shyt. Deep Shyt married Dumb Shyt, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Shyt got divorced, and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shyt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shyt married Lotta Shyt and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Shyt. Fulla Shyt and Giva Shyt married the Happens brothers, and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Shyt-Happens wedding. Bull Shyt traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Shyt. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Shyt!
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Q: How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison?
A: Some asshole brings 'em in.
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A man walk into a bar and says, "Give me something to drink just no vodka." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies, "Because last night I got drunk and blew Chunks." The bartender says, "Well, it's normal to blow chunks if you drink too much. The man says, "No, Chunks is my dog."
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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my hamster."
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
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An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says, "We’ll take care of it, ma’am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
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A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", says the man. Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You Son of a B_tch!" The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by also beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty," says the man. Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten Son of a B_tch!" At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?" He replies, "He's my next door neighbor." The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments." The man replied "No, your honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he said he didn't won one.
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Q: What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.
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Two young men sneak on to a blind man's property in order to steal something of vaule. The blind man hears them and goes to the door with his shot gun. The two young men, seeing the blind man, stand motionless. The man calls out, "Marco!". Silence. He tries once more, "Marco!" More silence. One more time, "Marco!" One of the young men, tired of the game, yells out, "We aren't going to fall for that..." *BANG!
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Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name is Randy.
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I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs. He comes over and says to me, "My dog says you have weed in the car." I responded, "Well I don't know about that, but I do want whatever you got that has you talking to the dog!"
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A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. The midget drags a small step ladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up. "Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?" Again, the man is taken a back, but seeing no real harm in it, consents. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."
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Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?” The German responds, “I will take oil!” They put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished, the German has huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?” “I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American. “I'll take the Mexican.”
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A midget with a speech impediment goes to a farmer to buy a horse. He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth." So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth. Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears." Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears. Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." "Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's twat. The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he’s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down. The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."
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A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the floor and drag him out of the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers. “Here’s your husband!” “Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”
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On top of a hill area, there are three draculas bragging about their powers to each other. The first one, points at a large house in the village underneath them, and quickly fly towards it. In about five minutes, he's back with a hint of blood dripping from his lip. Proudly, he says that all the humans living in that house died from his attack. The second dracula laughs as he's pointing to a small village area. After that, the second dracula jumps and flies in a quicker manner than the first one, in not more than a minute, he's already back with his mouth covered in blood. He says that all the people in the village that he pointed at died from his quick and brutal attack. The first dracula felt beaten, while the third one didn't say anything, but he gave one cold stare to a direction with small city lights at the end of it. Without any word, he flashed into that direction, and in more of a shock, he's back in around five seconds of time with face all covered in blood. Both previous draculas are surprised, and asked him if had he slaughtered the people in that small city. The third dracula shouts, "Did you two see that electrical pole in front of us?" they replied, "Of course we did, why?" still shouting, the third dracula says, "Goddammit, I didn't!"