Saturday 7/15/17 Jokes

Hi everyone......here's a few jokes to brighten up your day. Some are good, some are lame, but all of them make me smile. A couple are repeats that deserve a re-posting. If you're thin skinned or easily offended, please stop here and get off the page....although not anywhere near "X rated", some are a bit on the "off color" side. As always, management takes no responsibility for, nor endorses, this post.....and please don't shoot the messenger (ME!!!!!)....Jim


How does a blonde spell "farm?"

E-I-E-I-O!!

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A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milkin' Bessie and as soon as the bucket was filling she kicked it down with her left foot so I tied up her left hind leg to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again, but this time she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right hind leg to a pole too.

As soon as I started milkin'' her again, she knocked down the bucket with her tail, and I was out of rope, so I took off my belt to tie it up too.

As I was tying it up my pants fell down and my wife just happened to come out.......well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

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Q: What's the difference between a fat person and a virgin?

A: A fat person is trying to diet, and a virgin is dying to try it.

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Q: What do you call a guy with a blue penis?

A: A tight fisted wanker.

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A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by visiting fence against which they first made love.

The husband says, "Come on, for old times' sake, let's give it a go." The wife agrees and they both undress.

Afterwards, the husband says, "Damn honey...that was great....you're even better than you were 30 years ago."

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

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A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.

The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm 20 and I'm reading a book."

Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies for her, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

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Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy?

A: Stick a nipple on it.

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Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot and a half long carrot and says, "This one reminds me of my husband."

The second woman replies, "Wow, your husband's is that big?"

Her friend answers, "No...it's that dirty."

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Four blondes drive to a bar in their old pickup truck. Three sit in the cab, and one sits in the bed of the truck.

The three blondes go into the bar and order a round of shots. Almost an hour later, the fourth blonde finally joins them.

"Where have you been?" they ask.

She responds, "Well, you all forgot to open the tailgate, and I had to wait until someone came by opened it for me so I could get out!"

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Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a lemon through a 40-foot garden hose?

A: Darling.

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George of the Jungle lived all alone. There was no one to have sex with him, so instead he screwed a hole in a tree.

One day, he found a woman in the jungle and the urge to do the wild thing became too much.

Soon they were making out and getting pretty hot and heavy until George kicked the woman in the crotch, hard.

"What did you do that?" she exclaimed.
He replied, "Gotta check for squirrels.....made that mistake once"

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Q: What do older women have between their breasts that younger women don't?

A: Their belly button.

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There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want, and so can you!"

He agreed. He took off all his clothes and tied a string to his penis with a potato at the end of the string.

His said, "You're going out as that?"

''Yes,'' said the old man. ''If you can go out as a sour-puss, I can go out as a dictator."

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Q: What does a woman's a**hole do when she's having a orgasm?

A: Who cares...he's at home with the kids.

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Q: How do you give a dog a bone?

A: Tickle his balls.

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A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He wanted a tan without a tan line, so he went up on his roof and stripped.

He fell asleep and woke up three hours later with a sunburn everywhere, even on his d**k. He puts lotion on it, wraps it up and gets ready for his date.

The blonde comes over, and they make dinner. They're watching a movie when the sunburn on the guy's d**k really starts to hurt. He excuses himself to the kitchen, where he pours milk on his d**k and adds more lotion to alleviate the burn.

The blonde, who has followed him, peeks in the kitchen and says to herself, "So that's how you guys load them."

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Q: What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?

A: Grandpa.

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An old woman buys herself some bright red crotch-less panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

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Q: What's the highest position in the Greek Navy?
A: Rear Admiral!

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Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

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A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam.

After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina."

The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."

The doctor says, "I didn't."