Much needed Humor 2/27

Here's some jokes that might make you smile. As always, if I repeated any that I already posted some it comes down to the "brain fart" thing.....hope you enjoy...Jim
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Q: Why was the blonde afraid to have phone sex?
A: Because the condom wouldn't fit over the phone.
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Once upon a time a blonde was swimming in the river. A man approached her and asked, "Why are you doing this? The blonde replied, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?" The man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine? The blonde replied, "But, I get dizzy in the washing machine!"
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There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21 ..." Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says, "What are you doing?" The brunette replies, "Just counting." The blonde says, "May I join you?" "Yes," replies the brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21 ..." A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22, 22..."
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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.  The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.  He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.  Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.  This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.  This time the blonde laughed even harder.  Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.  The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.  The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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A rather well proportioned young blonde woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.  She wore a bathing suit the first day, but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"
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An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."
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A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger." The librarian scowled and replied "Shh! This is a library!" The blonde blushed and said "Oh, sorry." The blonde then whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger."
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A blonde woman walks into a store and asks the clerk about the TV in the corner. The clerk says, "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes." Irritated, the woman goes home and dyes her hair black. The next day she comes back and asks again. The clerk again says, "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes." Furious, the woman goes home and dyes her hair red this time. The next day she goes to the store and there's a different clerk there. She asks the clerk about the TV. The clerk replies, "Sorry ma'am, we don\'t serve blondes." The woman asks him, "How did you know I am a blonde?"  The clerk says, "Because that's not a TV; it's a microwave."
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A blonde and a brunette walk into the mall. A few hours later, they come out and go to their car. They realize they left their keys in the car, so they were stuck. Soon after, the blonde says, "Oh no! It's about to rain and we left the top down on our car!"
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A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"
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Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

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Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?

A: The blonde - she is eighteen.

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Q:  How do you know when a blonde has been working on your computer?

A:  There's white out on the screen and lipstick on the joystick!

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Q. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?

A. You can park in handicapped zones.

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Q: How does a blonde change a lightbulb?

A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

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A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me. The psychiatrist asked, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" The blonde explained, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." "Uh, how's that working?" he asked. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet," she said. "And why do you think that is?" The blonde said, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

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Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked..."Out of what?"

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Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?

A: She can't say, "No".
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A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

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Q: How does a blonde try to kill a fish?

A: She tries to drowns it.

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Q: Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?

A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

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A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. "Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde. "I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette. "Yep," replied the blonde. "Is the cop still following me?" "Yep." "Are his lights on?" "Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."

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A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye."

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Linda Burnett, 23, in San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And yes, Linda is a blonde.

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A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Q: OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?

A: The brunette, because the other two don't exist!

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Q: Why did the blonde like lightning?

A: She thought someone was taking her picture.

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There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better. The first blonde takes the radio and says, "If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music." The second blonde decides to take a wheel, "In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled." The third blonde takes the car door, "In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!"

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Q: Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

A: Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!!

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Day1: A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"  Mum replies, "yes dear"

Day 2: "We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"  Mum replies, "yes dear".

Day 3:  "We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"  Mum replies, "No dear, it's because your 25.

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A blonde policewoman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policewoman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

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Q: How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair?

A: When she trips over the cordless phone.

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A client of a hospital where they made brain transplants asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain here belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. And here we have a blonde's brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip. The brunette said, "We should go to Mars." The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon." The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!" The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!" The blonde said, "DUH . . . Not if you go at night!"

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I knew a blonde that was so stupid that she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

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This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of his car.

After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want to move to the back seat?"

She replies, "NO!"

Flabbergasted, he says, "Why not?"

To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd be lonely back there!"

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Q:  Why can't blondes dial 911?

A:  They can't find the 11 on the phone
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