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Saturday 8/15 Giggles
Valley of the Sun Casual Club :: ENTERTAINMENT , SPORTS & NEWS & SOCIAL MEDIA :: DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "
Page 1 of 1
Saturday 8/15 Giggles
by JimQ916 Sat 15 Aug 2015, 12:51 pm
Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
_______________________________________________
Q: Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?
A: Because the grass tickles their balls!
______________________________________________
I told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high.
She looked surprised.
_____________________________________________
One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
_____________________________________________
A very well-built Blonde young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The Blonde thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
___________________________________________
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks, "Do you do custom work?"
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table." After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!"
__________________________________________
Two guys were talking and Bob says to Jon, "I wish I had chest hair like you."
So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says "It will work in about two months."
Two months later Bob has no hair on his chest and back to the doctor he goes. The Doctor says, 'Rub some Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair.'
Jon comes home that day seeing Bob rub Vaseline and asks "Why?"
Bob says, "To grow chest hair."
Jon says, "If Vaseline grows hair you would have a ponytail comin' out your ass!"
_______________________________________
Some beauty parlors do a great job. One young man followed a young woman for twenty blocks. Then he found out it was his grandmother.
_________ _____________________________
Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..."
In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night."
The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fukin bed."
_________________________________
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
_________________________________
A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has. He says to the short man, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have." The short man replies, "I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes." The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. "OK, "He says, "I want to live in a mansion." The short man replies, "Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it." The man says, "Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend." "OK," the short man replies, "Tomorrow you will wake up next to her." The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues. "I want a penis as large as yours." "Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. "What's that, the man asks?" "I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says. The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. "OK, go right ahead." The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis as big as yours." The short man replies, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"
_____________________________
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy dear, going cold turkey is inpossible......can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"
____________________________
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "Well, I like your sense of humor!"
__________________________
Yo mama is so ugly she didn't get hit with just the ugly stick; she got hit with the whole tree.
__________________________
Q: When is the only time you can smack an ugly woman in the face?
A: When her mustache is on fire.
__________________________
Q: Why are gay men so well dressed?
A: They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
__________________________
Yo mama so ugly that your birth certificate was an apology letter from the Trojan man.
________________________
An obese woman goes to a doctor to be put on a drastic weight-loss program. The doctor tells her that she can eat anything she likes but that any food must be inserted up the anus. The woman agrees and four weeks later comes back for a check-up. The doctor is very pleased with the woman’s progress but is concerned that the woman’s hips keep twitching constantly.
“When did that hip twitching start?” asks the doctor. “That's not twitching,” replies the woman. “I’m chewing gum.”
________________________
Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!''
Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!''
Man: ''Nothing is that freakin' funny!''
_________________________
Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.
________________________
Yo momma is so dumb, she sat at a stop sign for three weeks waiting for it to turn green.
_______________________
Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
_______________________
_______________________________________________
Q: Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?
A: Because the grass tickles their balls!
______________________________________________
I told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high.
She looked surprised.
_____________________________________________
One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
_____________________________________________
A very well-built Blonde young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The Blonde thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
___________________________________________
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks, "Do you do custom work?"
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table." After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!"
__________________________________________
Two guys were talking and Bob says to Jon, "I wish I had chest hair like you."
So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says "It will work in about two months."
Two months later Bob has no hair on his chest and back to the doctor he goes. The Doctor says, 'Rub some Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair.'
Jon comes home that day seeing Bob rub Vaseline and asks "Why?"
Bob says, "To grow chest hair."
Jon says, "If Vaseline grows hair you would have a ponytail comin' out your ass!"
_______________________________________
Some beauty parlors do a great job. One young man followed a young woman for twenty blocks. Then he found out it was his grandmother.
_________ _____________________________
Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..."
In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night."
The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fukin bed."
_________________________________
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
_________________________________
A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has. He says to the short man, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have." The short man replies, "I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes." The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. "OK, "He says, "I want to live in a mansion." The short man replies, "Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it." The man says, "Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend." "OK," the short man replies, "Tomorrow you will wake up next to her." The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues. "I want a penis as large as yours." "Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. "What's that, the man asks?" "I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says. The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. "OK, go right ahead." The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis as big as yours." The short man replies, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"
_____________________________
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy dear, going cold turkey is inpossible......can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"
____________________________
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "Well, I like your sense of humor!"
__________________________
Yo mama is so ugly she didn't get hit with just the ugly stick; she got hit with the whole tree.
__________________________
Q: When is the only time you can smack an ugly woman in the face?
A: When her mustache is on fire.
__________________________
Q: Why are gay men so well dressed?
A: They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
__________________________
Yo mama so ugly that your birth certificate was an apology letter from the Trojan man.
________________________
An obese woman goes to a doctor to be put on a drastic weight-loss program. The doctor tells her that she can eat anything she likes but that any food must be inserted up the anus. The woman agrees and four weeks later comes back for a check-up. The doctor is very pleased with the woman’s progress but is concerned that the woman’s hips keep twitching constantly.
“When did that hip twitching start?” asks the doctor. “That's not twitching,” replies the woman. “I’m chewing gum.”
________________________
Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!''
Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!''
Man: ''Nothing is that freakin' funny!''
_________________________
Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.
________________________
Yo momma is so dumb, she sat at a stop sign for three weeks waiting for it to turn green.
_______________________
Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
_______________________
JimQ916- Posts : 379
Join date : 2014-12-31
Similar topics» Saturday 10/15 Jokes
» Saturday pick me ups
» Saturday 5/6/17 Jokes
» Saturday 10/31 Humor
» Saturday 9/19 Humor
» Saturday pick me ups
» Saturday 5/6/17 Jokes
» Saturday 10/31 Humor
» Saturday 9/19 Humor
Valley of the Sun Casual Club :: ENTERTAINMENT , SPORTS & NEWS & SOCIAL MEDIA :: DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "
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