THE WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:07 pm

I got in at 3am last night. My wife was up waiting for me
If looks could kill, I'd be a dead man.
She wasn't angry, she's just that ugly.

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:07 pm

My wife said she'd like another baby...
...I agreed, the one we have is really annoying!

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:08 pm

- What do we want?
- More Acronyms
- When do we want them?
- ASAP

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:08 pm

Too bad Monica Lewinsky never became a politician, we all know she got the job done when Hilary Clinton wouldn't.

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:11 pm

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farthest away...
Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can
you see Florida?'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.

She
says, 'What's the story?'

He
replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.

She
replied in a huff, I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to
show it to you?'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!'
says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL
OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON TIME

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?' 'Helllooooo. . . ,' answered the blonde. 'They're
watch dogs'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the
breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that “all the other girls
were using their arms.

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:14 pm

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight"

************************************************** ******************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?"

" Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

************************************************** ***************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"
************************************************** ****************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

************************************************** *******

ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, Eenters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:25 pm

A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:26 pm

Road Crossing Instructions in Pakistan

Look both right and left for cars, motorcycles, animals and pedestrians;
Look "up" for American drones;
Look "down" for bombs and land mines;
Look sideways and backwards for kidnappers and suicide bombers;
Hold your bags tight and watch for every person near you;
Then walk zigzag to avoid bullets.

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:27 pm

One for FluffyBunny

As we all know, Fluffy has degrees like this forum has threads. But this is a story of young Fluffy while he was studying Law.

Fluffy failed in the final Law Exam & decided to make a deal with the Professor.

Fluffy: Sir, Can I ask you one question?

Professor: Yes.

Fluffy: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, if you cant, you will have to give me an "A" grading.

Professor agreed.

Fluffy asked: What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give Fluffy an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

The following day, Professor asked same question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands......

He asked one student. He answered:
Sir, you are 65, married to a 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical. Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal. Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an "A", this is neither logical nor legal

by **Paul** Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:29 pm

Meanwhile Dr. Grayghost

Dr. Grayghost was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.

As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Vinmar and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Vinmar?"

Dr. Grayghost replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him, "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Grayghost Fart?"