THE WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL

by JimQ916 Wed 18 Mar 2015, 12:32 pm

Wednesday 3/18 Golf Jokes

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"

Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

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This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf
course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, "After you", and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker. "Goddammit!" he said. "Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us," said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."

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John and Brandon meet in the clubhouse of the golf course. John says to Brandon, "I hear you had a tragedy while golfing last week." Brandon says, "Yes, I was playing with David and at the end of the ninth hole he dropped dead!" John says, "Someone told me you carried him back to the clubhouse. That must have been tough without a cart. He weighed over two hundred pounds, right?" Brandon says, "Well, the carrying part wasn't so hard. It was putting David down for every stroke and picking him up again that got to me."

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A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.The gifts were sleeves of golf balls,
suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name.One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."

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Golf Difnitions

Amateur golfer: Someone who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.

Oxymoron: An easy par three.

A Hack: When your divot flies fur

ther than your ball.

Bad Golfer: Someone who can take strokes off his game only with an eraser.

Duffer: The only guy in the world who has an unplayable lie when he tees up.

Mexican Hat Dance: Lots of spike marks around the hole.

In Jail: Deep in the trees with no shot out.

Worm Burner: a shot going a long way on the ground.

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."

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A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000. She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!"

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An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend." "That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?" The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" "Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings.""No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag." The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living." "Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before." "Still want me to play?" said the other. "Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her." The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?" "$10,000 a bullet," said the man. The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it." "Which one?" said the hit man. "Both," said the exec. "That's $20,000, you know." "I don't care, hit 'em both."

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked. "Blow his nuts off" said the exec. "How about the woman?" "In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway." "Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.....one shot is all I"m going to need to hit both targets"