Xmas Jokes 12/31/16

Hi all you great VOTSCC'ers.....here are a few jokes for the season (except 1).....some are on the "dirty" side so read them at your own risk. Management takes no responsibility nor endorses the content below.....in other words, you can't sue us:

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
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Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
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Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three ho's.
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Q: Why is Santa Claus' ball sack so big?
A: He only comes once a year.
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Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in Daddy 's computer."
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Q: Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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BEDROOM GOLF:

[list=yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483207501348_4619]
[*]Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
[*]Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.
[*]Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
[*]For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
[*]Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
[*]The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
[*]It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
[*]Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
[*]Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
[*]Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
[*]Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
[*]Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
[*]Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
[*]It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
[*]The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
[/list]

Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.
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Q: How is Christmas like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
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Johnny wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store he thought, "Hmm, a pet might be a good idea." He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea. "How about a puppy?" "No," said Johnny. "It may poop around the house." "A fish?" "No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit." Johnny then spied a parrot and asked, "How about that parrot?" "Oh," said the manager, "That’s Chet. He’s very expensive." "Well," said Johnny, "It’s my mom let’s take a look." The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, "Dashing through the snow..." "Wow!" said Johnny, "What else does he sing?" The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
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Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go into town and blow a few bucks.
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Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants?
A: Because he heard the snow blower was coming.
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Q: Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but fathers want to play with them.
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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart at Christmas, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really great in them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"

"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?"

After Leroy threw a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy.

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year, and can I have a bicycle? Leroy

Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents. For the first time, he really considered his actions.

Leroy finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt down, looking around but not knowing what he should   really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter:

Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a damn bike. From, You know who!!!!"
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Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Defendant: "Doing my Christmas shopping early sir"
Judge: "Well that's not an crime...... how early were you doing this shopping?"
Defendant: "Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.
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One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.
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OK, that's it.....I hope everyone had a great Xmas and has a perfect 2017....Jim