TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN...AH SCREW IT, JUST READ (LOL)

Hi all you great members....here are a few jokes that might make you smile today. If any of these are repeats, I apologize, but I'm getting up there in age where having any sort of memory is an achievement....hope everyone enjoys these...Jim


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Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Give her a box of corn flakes and tell her it's a jigsaw puzzle!

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Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked..."Out of what?"
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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.  The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.  He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.  Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.  This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.  This time the blonde laughed even harder.  Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.  The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.  The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the WORST book I've ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took our phone book!"
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Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

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Once upon a time a blonde was swimming in the river. A man approached her and asked, "Why are you doing this? The blonde replied, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?" The man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine? The blonde replied, "But, I get dizzy in the washing machine!"

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A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger." The librarian scowled and replied "Shh! This is a library!" The blonde blushed and said "Oh, sorry." The blonde then whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger."

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A blonde and a brunette walk into the mall. A few hours later, they come out and go to their car. They realize they locked their keys in the car, so they were stuck. Soon after, the blonde says, "Oh no! It's about to rain and we left the top down on the car!"

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A blonde wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she ran-out on him. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of their marriage and wasn't going to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen table and hid under the bed when she heard her husband open the garage.

Her husband came into the kitchen, saw the note and then wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of pants. He then called someone on his cell phone and said, "Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, she's gone, gone gone! I'll be over in 10 minutes! He then rushed out and drove off.

The blonde wife comes out from under the bed with tears in her eyes and reads what her husband wrote on the note. "I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed. I've gone to buy some beer."

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An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."

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Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?

A: The blonde - she's eighteen.

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A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. "Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," the blonde replies.

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Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

A: Knock on the door.

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Two blonde tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one blonde tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over the counter and said "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

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A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.'' The blonde yelled at the doctor... ''I came here to get medical help, not get a lame compliment!!''

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Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was disappointed when she got her driver's license?

A: The instructor gave her an "F" in sex.

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On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

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Q: What do you call a blonde with a beautiful home, perfect teeth, a brand new wardrobe and driving a BMW?

A: My ex wife!!!!!!!

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A blonde wanted to win the lottery so she prayed to God, and she lost. Next week she prayed to God again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to God, and she lost.

She said to God,"Why wont you let me win?"

God replied,"How about buying a ticket first?"

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Q: What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

A: After you stop laughing hysterically, pull the pin and throw it back.

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A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad. Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "TORNADO!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes. When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "FIRE!"

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Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?

A: She can't say, "No".

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A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jumpoff this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

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Q: How does a blonde try to kill a fish?

A: She drowns it.

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Q: Why did the blonde girl stare at the orange juice box?

A: The orange juice box says, "concentrate."

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Q: Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?

A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night too.

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A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while another blonde inside the car is saying... "You almost got it that time....a little more to the left... a little more to the right"

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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"