THE WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 5:56 am

Elk Sex

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks and Moose have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aww, crap," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 6:53 am

Thursday night, I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down". I managed to mumble a reply "Can I feel your tits, then?"

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 6:54 am

A Teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eats things. The first little boy says "Alligator". "Very good, that's a big word". The second boy says "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word. Well done". Little Johnny says "Vibrator". After nearly falling off her chair, she says "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything". "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there is no tomorrow".

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 6:55 am

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR $1.00 @ Coles

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 6:56 am

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag". "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer".

Well now, not so fast" said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh no no" said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. On golf days a lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes".

"Well, that seems only fair" said the cop, laughing. "Okay good luck! Oh by the way... what's in the other bag?" "Well you know" said the little old lady "not everybody pays...

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 6:57 am

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read: NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 6:58 am

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 7:08 am

The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself at the gates of Hell.

"Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could join us. As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity".

There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire. "No" said the lawyer. "Not this one".

The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of People slaving away at a large rock-pile. They were all being whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller boulders. "No" again said the lawyer.

Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of people in an incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them were chanting "Don't make waves, don't make waves..." "That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in repulsion. "You think that's bad?" asked the devil "You should see it when the angels spend the weekend here with their jet-skis!"

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 7:11 am

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet

seat.

"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender, "Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red door and a golden toilet seat."

The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT SON OF A BITCH WHO TOOK A SHIT IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."

by **Paul** Sun 19 Apr 2015, 7:13 am

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says: "OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart".

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

"Who the heck's that?" she says. "It's Paul McCartney", he replies.

"Doesn't look like him at all" says she. "Now get it right or I'll report you".

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off "No way that's Paul Mccartney" she says. "It bloody well is" says the man. "Listen I'll get a second opinion"

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There's the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)... "Tell me who the hell you think that is".

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), "I've no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson"!