More April Jokes 4/22/17

Hi everyone...here are a few jokes to give you a few chuckles today. Some are really good, some lame and some are repeats (I'm old enuf to forgot which one's I've already posted). Also, if you're blonde, please don't take offense!!! There are no real off-color jokes here so I'm going to rate this post PG13....read at your own risk though. As always, please don't shoot the messenger (me!!!)....Jim

Q: How do you know a woman is having a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.
*******************************
A blonde was swerving all over the road so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry, sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me, and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop told her, "Lady, that's your air freshener."
*******************************
A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."
*******************************
Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo.
*******************************
Q: Why did the mirror have holes in it?
A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself.
*******************************
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
She answers, "Warming up your dinner."
*******************************
Q: What does sex have in common with a savings account?
A: You're really excited when you make a deposit and you're really sad when you make a withdrawal.
*******************************
I sent away for a penis enlarger. The smart a**es sent me back a magnifying glass.
*******************************
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
*******************************
A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way -- you broke yours off!"
*******************************
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
*******************************
A woman tells her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor asks her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"
She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."
*******************************
Q: What's the downside to bigamy?
A: More than one mother-in-law.
*******************************
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
*******************************
A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."
*******************************
Q: Why does a blonde dog have lumps on his head?
A: He's been chasing parked cars.
*******************************
A not so bright man and his wife were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital, and she gave birth to two baby boys.
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "Dammit Sue, I knew you're cheating on me.....who's the other father?"
*******************************
A woman gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
*******************************
Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first?
A: The brunette -- the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
*******************************
A blonde orders a pizza and is asked if she wants it cut into six or 12 pieces.
She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."
*******************************
What are a blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"
*******************************
Q: What is every womans's ambition?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
*******************************
A blonde who really needed a job saw an ad in the newspaper for an opening job at an Tickle Me Elmo factory. She applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.
The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she really needed the money. Finally the manager hired her.
After a few hours, the manager noticed that the conveyor belt was backed up. He went downstairs to find out what was wrong.
He saw that the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager told her, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles -- not two testicles!"
*******************************
Q: How do you make a man's brain the size of a pea?
A: Inflate it.
*******************************
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."
"'What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked.
She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."
*******************************
Q: What do you call a woman with a chainsaw?
A: Stumpy.
*******************************
A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye."
The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup first."
*******************************
Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful for her.
*******************************
A blonde sees a flier on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise -- Only $5." She goes to the address on the flier and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
The blonde wakes up horrified to find she's been tied to a log floating down a river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to feed us on this trip?" she asks.
Her friend replies, "Nope, they didn't last year."