THE WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL

by **Paul** Mon 24 Oct 2016, 7:59 pm

01. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
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02. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
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03. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath
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04. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
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05. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
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06. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
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07. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A Stick
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08. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
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09. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
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10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.
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11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
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12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
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13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
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14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
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15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
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16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
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17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
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18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
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19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
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20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.
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21. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
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22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer.

by **Paul** Thu 13 Apr 2023, 6:06 pm

by Paul Mon 24 Oct 2016 - 20:10

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”
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My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
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How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
I’m serious that Israeli how he does it.
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Just got banned from B&Q, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking!!
Lucky I got the first punch in.
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Just seen a French footballer playing on a nintendo…
It was Thierry on Wii
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Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.
Barman says “not yew tree again”
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My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant!
Roll on next year!
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
Should have put it on aloha setting.
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Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.
If it’s a success his next one will be about Kent.
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Gutted the wife has left me!
She’s took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too.
No woman no Sky
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A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”
I think it was Farmer Geddon.
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I met a girl with 12 nipples today
Sounds fun
Dozen tit
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Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuckline.
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How to work out your twat name…
Take your first name and replace it with Piers.
Now take your surname and replace it with Morgan.
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If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.
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News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon.
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Having a charity event for people that struggle to orgasm.
Let me know if you can’t come.
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Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental!!!!
No one treats me like a mug.
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Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.

by **Paul** Thu 13 Apr 2023, 6:09 pm

by Paul Sat 17 Oct 2015 - 1:53

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

16. What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.