THE WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL

by **Paul** Mon 01 Aug 2016, 8:05 pm

CrustyDemon1

608 Posts
Sat, Jul 30 2016 3:41 PM

Gave ME a chuckle Jimmy :-}
Time to chuckle back....

Heheee
Kelly the Komedian :-}
x

pdb1

10,488 Posts

Sat, Jul 30 2016 4:13 PM

Excuses that you can tell when you have played a bad shot[/b]

A fly landed on my ball right when I hit.

A squirrel picked up my ball and put it in the bunker.

A squirrel pushed my ball into the trap, the good-for-nothing wannabe rats.

After that last shot, I'm just too embarrassed to try and hit the ball.

All the golf schools I liked were too expensive - so I self-taught.

Before the sex change, I was allowed to hit from the red tee. Its just too difficult to score now.

Bermuda grass sucks. My club keeps getting stuck.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it, have you no etiquette? Please quit breathing when I swing.

Didn't you hear that sound in the woods during my swing? It sounded like a duck. What's that smell?

Ever since I made a hole-in-one, I can't concentrate.

Fore!

From three hundred yards out it looks like the green sloped away. I should have laid up.

Golf is about etiquette, not playing well.

Golf isn't fun if it's competitive, so I don't try hard.

Hackers tore up the green. I can't play competively under these circumstances.

I aimed my shoulder too far left of the target.

I always aim too far left when coming out of the bunker.

I always choke when money is on the line.

I always get kicked off the course for being intoxicated. This is the first round I've finished.

I always lift my head when I chip. I need to tie a hook around my privates and a noose around my neck. I'll never look up again.

I am allergic to the pesticide spray. My eyes are watering and I can't see the ball.

I am committed to my wife. Golf has always come second.

I am constantly over-judging my shots.

I am hitting the ball too perfectly. It keeps going too far.

I ate way too much on the turn, now I'm bloated. I need a port-a-pottie.

I bent my 9 iron while killing a pig for the roast for my 22nd birthday party so I had to use my wedge.

I broke my pitching wedge the last time I played. This sand wedge gave me too much loft.

I can never get my last shot off my mind.

I can only chip with an 8 iron. I must have left it on the last hole, or maybe you are trying to sabotage my round.

I can only get enthusiastic about sex. Golf just doesn't do it so I don't try.

I can only get motivated to play golf after watching 'Caddyshack.'

I can only make the 10-footers; the 3-footers throw me off.

I can't afford golf lessons.

I can't concentrate since I got fired from the orange juice factory.

I can't focus on golf when my football team is playing.

I can't get my mental checklist in its proper order.

I can't get my wedge to bite.

I can't golf regularly for religious reasons.

I can't golf unless I'm cl[size=10]I can't judge my ball in this cool December air.

I can't keep my head still on the back swing.

I can't play in 70 degree, sunny weather. I need snow, wind and rain.

I can't play on this course. I haven't been able to practice it on virtual golf.

I can't play unless I have sex prior to playing.

I can't play with these golf balls. They are all numbered.

I can't play with with graphite shafts. Steel is the way to go.

I can't tee off unless a crowd of people is watching.

I couldn't see from back there that it was not a vertical water hazard.

I cut my hand at work, so I can't get a firm grip on the clubs - but I love sick leave.

I decided to become celibate yesterday.

I didn't come to play golf. I wanted to see the Cub's spring training.

I didn't flex my wrists on the back-swing.

I didn't follow through on the swing.

[size=10]I didn't follow through with my hips.

I didn't have a 3 wood so I had to use my 5 wood.

I didn't have fish for breakfast - I only play well when I eat fish for breakfast.
I didn't have lunch, I have no energy.
I didn't keep my left arm in. I hate this game.

I didn't open my stance and I pushed the ball to the left.
60 out of 500 excuses

pdb1

10,488 Posts
[Sat, Jul 30 2016 5 PM

A Magical Encounter

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball.
Don't knock out any windows.
It'll cost us a fortune to fix!"
The wife teed up and it was a very powerful shot, taking it right through the window of the biggest house on the course with a crash.
The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses!
All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you.
I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle.
You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!"
"No problem.
It's the least I could do.
And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.
"Consider it done!" the genie replied.
"And what's your wish genie, now that you're finally free?" asked the husband.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years.
My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey.
I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?" "38." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?
That's amazing!"

pdb1

10,488 Posts

Sat, Jul 30 2016 5:36 PM

Golf Trivia
1. 125,000 golf balls a year are hit into the water at the famous 17th hole of the Stadium Course at Sawgrass.

2. The longest drive ever is 515 yards. The longest putt ever is a monstrous 375 feet.

3. Phil Mickelson, who plays left-handed, is actually right-handed. He learned to play golf by mirroring his father’s golf swing, and he has used left-handed golf clubs ever since.

4. The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million.

5. Tiger Woods snagged his first ace at the tender age of eight years old.

6. Balls travel significantly farther on hot days. A golfer swinging a club at around 100 mph will carry the drive up to eight yards longer for each increase in air temperature of 2 degrees.

7. The longest golf course in the world is the par 77 International Golf Club in Massachusetts which measures a fearsome 8325 yards.

8. The highest golf course in the world is the Tactu Golf Club in Morococha, Peru, which sits 14,335 feet above sea level at its lowest point.

9. The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan. It measures an incredible 909 yards.

10. The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey.

11. The largest golfing green is that of the 695-yard, 5th hole, a par 6 at the International Golf Club in Massachusetts, with an area in excess of 28,000 sq ft.

12. The driver swing speed of an average lady golfer is 62mph; 96mph for an average LPGA professional; 84mph for an average male golfer; 108mph for an average PGA Tour player; 130mph for Tiger Woods; 148-152mph for a national long drive champion.

13. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

14. The first golf balls were made of thin leather stuffed with feathers. Tightly-packed feathers made balls that flew the farthest. Feather balls were used until 1848.

15. The youngest golfer to shoot a hole-in-one was Coby Orr, who was five years old at the time. It happened in Littleton, Colorado in 1975.

16. 22.8% of golfers are women.

17. Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens wouldn't waste time when preparing for an English invasion.

18. The term birdie comes from an American named Ab Smith. While playing in 1899, he played what he described as a "bird of a shot", which became "birdie" over time.

19. The word golf does not mean "Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden". This is an internet myth. It is thought the word golf comes from the Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve", meaning "club". Historians believe this was passed on to the Scottish, whose own dialect changed this to "golve", "gowl", or "gouf". By the sixteenth century, this had evolved into the word we know today.

20. Don't feel bad about your high handicap --- 80% of all golfers will never achieve a handicap of l8 or less.[/size][/size]

by **Paul** Sun 28 May 2023, 4:37 am

SATURDAYS SATIRES

NEW FORUM INDEX

POPULAR CONTENTS

HEY JOE

DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "

GIFS,GIFS,GIFS GALORE

CRAZY WGT SHIT

OFF THE WALL , THE NEW LONG WALL

WGT COIN ROOMS & PCEA

WGT POETRY , QUOTES , MOMENTS , and MORE

THE GOLF LINKS

YOUTUBE SHORTS

WGTers PERSONAL KICK ASS HALLS OF FAME(all YouTube videos)

TODAY'S TECHNOLOGY TIPS FROM THE DOCTOR OF TECHNOLOGY AZDEWARS

VOTSCC's GREEN MONSTER

YANCYCAAN FILM FESTIVAL

KELLY'S KOLOSSOL KRAZY KORNER

VOTSCC CC CLUBHOUSE (archives)

ANYTHING ELSE ?

VALLEY OF THE FUN TEASERS 4 pages

WGT COIN ROOMS & PCEA

OFF THE WALL , THE NEW LONG WALL